Wanting -- What the World Needs

I noticed that Wesley is saying, "I need ... ." When really the word "want" would better fit considering he's asking to go outside or for one of his toys.

Brief thoughts related to wanting vs. needing:

People tend to substitute the word need for want when it isn't "OK" for them to want things or when, historically, they never got what they wanted for one reason or another.

Example 1
Child: "I want a new pair of shoes." Caretaker: "How dare you want a new pair of shoes! You have shoes. There are plenty of people who don't have shoes and you want a new pair?" This may sound like an exaggeration, but variations of this are said to children frequently. Child interpretation: How dare I want something I don't need. Only my needs will be met. I better not ask for something unless I need it.

Example 2
Child: "I want a Barbie Doll." Caretaker: "We don't have the money for that (again)." Child interpretation: Not getting what I want is painful. I feel less pain when I just don't want anything. So the child decides it is less painful (in this situation safer in others, etc.) to not be in touch with his/her wants.

Ah, a life without wants -- sounds wonderful doesn't it? After all, wouldn't it be great not to have any wants at all? This situation can come about a few ways, one of which is to be an heir to a fortune and another is to simply "not want". Either way -- life is fulfilled. Right?

Wrong.

I am not sure that children, and even adults, distinguish well between physical and spiritual satisfaction. For instance, many people think that this or that will fill them up ... inside. We've all known people who consume food and luxury items in an effort to feel better about themselves. Problem is, the physical thing doesn't match the spiritual desire.

So when we shut down our want of material things, sometimes we shut down spiritually driven desires -- internal callings.

Ever know someone who doesn't know what he or she wants to do in life? Of course you have! Heck, you've probably been in this position -- it may even be a normal part of career selection.

When children grow up thinking that only their needs will be taken care of, they shut themselves off from their wants -- their own internal selves. Ideally, choosing a career is about what you want to do, not what you have to do. Ideally, those wants are driven by a desire to activate the unique God-given virtue profile placed within you, a virtue profile that I believe, if activated and devoted to service, will lead to betterment of the world.

Once shut down, reactivation of this spontaneous, beautiful place within can be difficult.

So, back to Wesley ... what do I do now that I've noticed that his wants and needs are blending. I want to make sure he uses want where appropriate so i know that he knows 1. what he wants and that 2. he is important enough to get what he wants, when appropriate.

Two things: One, I separate my needs from my wants -- pursuing both as appropriate. And help Wesley separate his, giving him feedback as to why some are met and others are not.

Both Patrick and I have been working on this ourselves and even within a week I've noticed a change in Wesley's words. He is using the word want now -- yeah! And he is starting to use the word need appropriately too.

This is wonderful progress!

I place emphasis on this subject because I want my son to learn the difference between his needs and his wants. I want him to prioritize his pursuits in life and know that his longings -- when tuned in to his own spiritual desires and internal callings -- will lead him along God's plan.

So, what are your needs? What are your wants? Is it OK for you to want something? Is it OK for you to get it? These are all things decided by children as they watch the adults around them.

IF for no other reason than to liberate Wesley from unnecessary uncertainty, I plan on further sifting my wants from my needs.

Not only do I hope to tap in to a deeper connection with myself and with God, I hope to carry out my "heart's desires" with certainty that God has placed within me gems that will benefit mankind today. And this of course will benefit my children -- and the world -- tomorrow. Read more!

Honoring Holy Days

So, Friends and Family, how do you celebrate Baha'i holy days? And if you aren't Baha'i, how would you make special for your children a day that others don't notice?

The scenario: May 23, Declaration of the Bab (see segment to the right for link with more information).

Age: Wesley is nearly 3, but I am collecting ideas for all ages.

OPEN for comments and ideas now!

Thank you for sharing. Read more!

Doing vs. Being

"I love you."
"But why?"

I've been thinking lately about my studies in Transactional Analysis and parenting, in particular about strokes and raising Wesley and our soon-to arrive second child.

Strokes are any unit of recognition. They can be positive or negative, conditional or unconditional. (See blog entry above for more detailed information.) Strokes for doing build competence; Strokes for being build a sense of lovableness.

As parents, which is most important? Your answer likely depends on how you were stroked as a child. Often times birth order and gender play into stroke patterns. Generally, first children are stroked for doing, last children for being. Boys are stroked for doing, girls for being. By the way, a doing stroke does not equal the power of a stroke for being. So no matter how much one "does" to feel lovable, it's never enough ... thus, the workaholic, the martyr, the ever-together soccer mom who does everything just right and still wonders what feels wrong.

So, this is where my focus narrows: Prayer.

Ever here or say the words, "I'm going to say my prayers"?

What is prayer? Prayer is a state of being (with God): Being in conversation, being in oneness, just being.

What is saying? Saying is a state of doing.

Why demote a stroke for being, I would say The Ultimate stroke for being to a stroke for doing? Because that's what we know. We were told to say our prayers or we were stroked for doing, rather than being. Doing is more comfortable, so we demote prayer to a checklist item. No longer is it as fulfilling.

I suggest to everyone that you pay attention to your language in the coming days. How many things do you "have" to "do" vs. how many things do you want to be.

How does this relate to parenting? Well, I can reward Wesley for doing a good job of putting away his clothes (which is an appropriate positive conditional stroke) and I can reward him for "being" responsible (which identifies a quality within him ... a way of being). One builds competence, one builds a sense of lovableness, both are required for autonomy in the future. (I'll save my thoughts on, "You're such a good boy/girl" for later. Suffice it to say, for now, the implication is that there is such a thing as a bad boy/girl. A lie.)

You and I can do this act of service together, or we can be in service together. One carries a workload, the other a sense of intimacy. Which are you more comfortable with and which do you want your children to be more comfortable with?

I want to tie this in to the words above: "I love you." "But why?" Recently, Patrick spontaneously told me that he loved me. I asked him what I did to inspire him to say that. His reply was "nothing." I didn't accept it. I wanted to know exactly what I did ... I was willing to demote the power of the words so they were acceptable.

Here's to everyone reading this: You are lovable, you don't have to do a thing to be so ... and neither do our children. Read more!

Places we go ... principles that stay

Wesley and Emily went to the NC Museum of Life and Science today. It's a great place for children. Some of you have been there and seen the butterfly house, the remote control sailboats, the bears, and the giant playground, and can attest to the fun it offers.

Wesley likes to watch the videos of rocket launches and to climb inside a rocket capsule and pretend that he his taking off. "Five, four, three, two, one ... blast off!" he yells.

Today he briefly followed a group of six school children as they looked at native owls, turtles, snakes, alligators, etc. "Oh, wow," he repeated after the six year olds. "Hey, look at that, that's a big snake." Then he'd laugh with them and run to the next exhibit.

We had a lot of fun before returning home and playing with his trains. "Your turn, Mawmaw," he'd say if I hadn't looked up from my book in a couple of minutes. Then he'd take a train and put it in my hand.

The pictures in this post aren't from the museum. Unfortunately, I left the camera at home. Nope, these pictures were taken back in November when Patrick and I drove three hours to take Wesley to Tweetsie Railroad. We sure love our adventures!

He had more fun playing in the leaves and with the Thomas play table than riding a real live steam engine. I don't blame him: It was cold outside and the train was LOUD.

Just yesterday Wesley and I stayed in all day. We didn't even go in the backyard or walk to the park.

Nope, I had to clean.

I was folding laundry when I heard a quiet little voice repeating: "A pure heart. Oh God, my God. A pure heart. Oh God, my God." He mixed up the words a bit, but it didn't matter one bit to me. I beamed and delighted in hearing him spontaneously repeat words from a new prayer.

The actual prayer by Abdu’l-Bahá goes like this: "He is God! O God, my God! Bestow upon me a pure heart, like unto a pearl."

Those moments tell me that his most fun memories fade in value next to his most firm morals. And those, we can offer to him wherever we are.

Read more!