Doing vs. Being

"I love you."
"But why?"

I've been thinking lately about my studies in Transactional Analysis and parenting, in particular about strokes and raising Wesley and our soon-to arrive second child.

Strokes are any unit of recognition. They can be positive or negative, conditional or unconditional. (See blog entry above for more detailed information.) Strokes for doing build competence; Strokes for being build a sense of lovableness.

As parents, which is most important? Your answer likely depends on how you were stroked as a child. Often times birth order and gender play into stroke patterns. Generally, first children are stroked for doing, last children for being. Boys are stroked for doing, girls for being. By the way, a doing stroke does not equal the power of a stroke for being. So no matter how much one "does" to feel lovable, it's never enough ... thus, the workaholic, the martyr, the ever-together soccer mom who does everything just right and still wonders what feels wrong.

So, this is where my focus narrows: Prayer.

Ever here or say the words, "I'm going to say my prayers"?

What is prayer? Prayer is a state of being (with God): Being in conversation, being in oneness, just being.

What is saying? Saying is a state of doing.

Why demote a stroke for being, I would say The Ultimate stroke for being to a stroke for doing? Because that's what we know. We were told to say our prayers or we were stroked for doing, rather than being. Doing is more comfortable, so we demote prayer to a checklist item. No longer is it as fulfilling.

I suggest to everyone that you pay attention to your language in the coming days. How many things do you "have" to "do" vs. how many things do you want to be.

How does this relate to parenting? Well, I can reward Wesley for doing a good job of putting away his clothes (which is an appropriate positive conditional stroke) and I can reward him for "being" responsible (which identifies a quality within him ... a way of being). One builds competence, one builds a sense of lovableness, both are required for autonomy in the future. (I'll save my thoughts on, "You're such a good boy/girl" for later. Suffice it to say, for now, the implication is that there is such a thing as a bad boy/girl. A lie.)

You and I can do this act of service together, or we can be in service together. One carries a workload, the other a sense of intimacy. Which are you more comfortable with and which do you want your children to be more comfortable with?

I want to tie this in to the words above: "I love you." "But why?" Recently, Patrick spontaneously told me that he loved me. I asked him what I did to inspire him to say that. His reply was "nothing." I didn't accept it. I wanted to know exactly what I did ... I was willing to demote the power of the words so they were acceptable.

Here's to everyone reading this: You are lovable, you don't have to do a thing to be so ... and neither do our children.