The Mom

Emily

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I'd like to tell you that i look like this (picture to the left) all the time. But I don't. My hair isn't even long enough to pull back anymore. The reality is that this (picture to the bottom right) is more accurate -- especially in the mornings. And that picture was taken a day after I had my hair cut for the first time in six months. Honestly, for the amount I paid, it should have still been styled. I gave it a thorough pat down, though, and figured I was good to go for the day. See the half-dazed smile? That too is pretty typical me in the a.m.



So, who is that woman with the changing hairstyles?

Let me sum it up for you like this:
Then -- searching
Now -- living.

Make sense? OK, I'll elaborate. I've spent a lot of time searching, or more actually waiting, for the right thing ... the right job, the right situation, etc. I couldn't wait to get out of college so I could "start" life. I couldn't wait to have a family of my own so I could "start" nurturing. Boy was I missing out!

I've shifted my focus from future-focused (if only ... ) and past-focused (why didn't I ...) to now-focused ... which is where I am finding the greatest capacity for joy.

So what is going on now? I am studying transactional analysis and redecision therapy, I am taking a yoga class, I am enjoying my back yard, and I am enjoying friends. I love the time I get to myself when my husband is out doing his own thing. And I am enjoying writing. I love to cook and bake and am learning that I am best when I make do without a recipe ... just stick me in the kitchen with a pot, a pan, some spices and random veggies and I'll whip up a healthy tasty meal better than if you put me in there with a cookbook and all the appropriate things.

Sure, I look forward to returning to work one day and applying all that I am learning, but for the first time I am relaxing and enjoying the journey I am on. I feel "there" even though "there" is ever changing. I've thrown away the quest for something constant and perfect ... and have embraced the now that is changing and evolving at every moment.

Boy have I got a lot more growing to do. Fortunately, I am watering that growth. And somehow I managed to pick a great husband who reminds me to pick up that watering can when lack of use threatens a little rust ;)