What do you hear when other people are talking?

If you know a mom who has recently given birth: Offer an arm.

If you know a mom who has just moved to a new town: Offer a hand.

If you know a mom whose husband is out of town: Offer a shoulder.

And if you know a mom who is dealing with all three of the above situations: Knock on her door, walk in, keep your mouth shut, start cleaning, and listen.

Or ... just listen.

And did I mention keep your mouth shut? Unless, of course, asked a question.

Whatever you do, don't say things like: "Oh, you can do it, so many others have." Or, "You think that's hard, I remember when I ..." Or, "I bet you appreciate your husband more now that he's gone. He's so wonderful." Please, please don't say those things ... they're quite beside the immediate point that this mother might just feel like she's falling apart.

She'll likely talk about how the first few weeks/month of her child's life have slipped by too quickly and that she squeezes in as many moments as possible to sniff his head before that delicious milky smell is gone. When you hear those words do you feel the loss behind them? Don't try and top it.

She'll likely tell you that her child was up for hours last night and she doesn't understand why the child had to tuck his feet in under her for comfort. (OK, she understands, but was it really necessary?) Do you feel the frustration? Don't try and top it.

She'll likely tell you that while that child could sleep in, she still had to wake up early to feed the baby and the dogs and down a pot of coffee before said sleeping child awoke. Do you feel the strength? Don't try to top it.


And she'll probably ask, no beg, for any tips on how to pass the hours between 3:3o and 8:30; the hours that her eyes want to shut and her body wants to shut down. Do you hear that? That's someone asking for help. THAT is when you offer solutions.

So, when this mom calls or when you call her, just keep quiet. Keep quiet and listen because you're most likely the ONLY adult she's talked to all day, the only person who is in a position to hear what she has to say. Pay attention to the words, but more importantly the feelings behind them ... reflect the feelings.

Too many people think empathy is sameness ... it's not. When I say that I am run down and don't know what to do ... I am not looking for someone to tell me about how much MORE run down they are. Please, take your competition to someone else. I am not in the harried race, I am in the human race ... that's where I want my connection.

OK, just some thoughts on feeling run down and not knowing who to turn to ... I didn't even discuss how some people react as if one bad day = an opportunity to get on a soap box about taking care of oneself or finding new parenting skills. And I didn't even go into how some people act like they just don't need other people. That's a lie. We all need other people. Why else are we born into families? We come into the world needing others and if we live long enough we leave this world needing others. If we're lucky enough, we'll walk through this world needing others.

I am very aware of my need for others right now.

And I am asking for positive unconditional strokes. So if you have them, comment below. If you need to, Google the term so you know what I'm talking about.