Thought of the Day

This thought goes with the previous post about the bicycle. (Search archives to right of page to find it.)

Childhood disappears faster than an ice cream cone on a summer day. As parents we can either sit in a freezer with our children, hoping to preserve every moment. Or we can get outdoors and lap it up -- enjoying every moment.

It's not a perfect tie in, but it reminds me of one of my answers to a TA 101 question on the difference between autonomy and independence.

Eric Berne wrote that “autonomy is manifested by the release or recovery of three capacities: awareness, spontaneity and intimacy.”

Independence, as defined by dictionary.com, refers to “freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.” Another, more scientific definition, found at srmdc.net, describes independence as a state in which “no relationship between two or more variables) is observed.”

The first notable difference is that in a state of independence, the element of relationship can be -- and in a scientific instance is necessarily -- removed. In contrast, relationship is central to the state of autonomy.

Let’s look at the three components of intimacy and their roles in relationships in more detail.

While not necessarily occurring within human-to-human relationships, the capacities of awareness and spontaneity enhance such relationships. In fact, in some relationships, such as the formative mother-infant relationship, they are essential to a strong healthy bond.

One may even say that awareness itself implies a relationship between at least two elements: the bird and the listener, for example. And that spontaneity implies an interaction between an agent and its environment, thus another form of relationship: for even in isolation, a cartwheel can not be performed without a supportive structure.

As for the capacity for intimacy, one can not demonstrate the capacity for something without having demonstrated that something, and intimacy itself is defined within the context of relationship.

Therefore, it is safe to assume that autonomy can not be achieved or demonstrated in isolation of relationship.

Another distinction between the two is how they relate to life scripts.

“A script is a life plan which each individual forms by a series of decisions early in her life in reaction to her interpretation of the important things happening in her world. The most important decisions determine a person’s basic character structure and are usually decided upon by age two or three. Most of the rest occur by about age six … .” In other words, “most people live out preordained lives.”

Because the decisions of how to live were decided upon so long ago, one can independently (without the aid or support of others) navigate her script. And can do so without being aware of current streams of information, ever taking spontaneous action, or demonstrating intimacy with others. It’s the equivalent of walking through the woods with an ear piece. In the ear piece a voice whispers “turn left, walk ten steps and then stop, etc.” While one may have relationships along this walk through the woods, without awareness and spontaneity of the world around her, those relationships are likely held together by similar patterns or streams of information and decisions. In other words those relationships are likely with people with similar ear pieces.

When one is aware of current data, the environment around him, and has the support and energy offered by intimates, one has what he needs to step out of script and into the present – in other words, one can take out the ear piece, and navigate the woods according to his own senses and desires. Thus demonstrating autonomy!

SO there you have it ... however we share the ice cream cone of childhood with our children is how they'll learn to live their own lives.