What do you hear when other people are talking?

If you know a mom who has recently given birth: Offer an arm.

If you know a mom who has just moved to a new town: Offer a hand.

If you know a mom whose husband is out of town: Offer a shoulder.

And if you know a mom who is dealing with all three of the above situations: Knock on her door, walk in, keep your mouth shut, start cleaning, and listen.

Or ... just listen.

And did I mention keep your mouth shut? Unless, of course, asked a question.

Whatever you do, don't say things like: "Oh, you can do it, so many others have." Or, "You think that's hard, I remember when I ..." Or, "I bet you appreciate your husband more now that he's gone. He's so wonderful." Please, please don't say those things ... they're quite beside the immediate point that this mother might just feel like she's falling apart.

She'll likely talk about how the first few weeks/month of her child's life have slipped by too quickly and that she squeezes in as many moments as possible to sniff his head before that delicious milky smell is gone. When you hear those words do you feel the loss behind them? Don't try and top it.

She'll likely tell you that her child was up for hours last night and she doesn't understand why the child had to tuck his feet in under her for comfort. (OK, she understands, but was it really necessary?) Do you feel the frustration? Don't try and top it.

She'll likely tell you that while that child could sleep in, she still had to wake up early to feed the baby and the dogs and down a pot of coffee before said sleeping child awoke. Do you feel the strength? Don't try to top it.


And she'll probably ask, no beg, for any tips on how to pass the hours between 3:3o and 8:30; the hours that her eyes want to shut and her body wants to shut down. Do you hear that? That's someone asking for help. THAT is when you offer solutions.

So, when this mom calls or when you call her, just keep quiet. Keep quiet and listen because you're most likely the ONLY adult she's talked to all day, the only person who is in a position to hear what she has to say. Pay attention to the words, but more importantly the feelings behind them ... reflect the feelings.

Too many people think empathy is sameness ... it's not. When I say that I am run down and don't know what to do ... I am not looking for someone to tell me about how much MORE run down they are. Please, take your competition to someone else. I am not in the harried race, I am in the human race ... that's where I want my connection.

OK, just some thoughts on feeling run down and not knowing who to turn to ... I didn't even discuss how some people react as if one bad day = an opportunity to get on a soap box about taking care of oneself or finding new parenting skills. And I didn't even go into how some people act like they just don't need other people. That's a lie. We all need other people. Why else are we born into families? We come into the world needing others and if we live long enough we leave this world needing others. If we're lucky enough, we'll walk through this world needing others.

I am very aware of my need for others right now.

And I am asking for positive unconditional strokes. So if you have them, comment below. If you need to, Google the term so you know what I'm talking about. Read more!

TA Basics

A Primer

I realized as I started writing my entry "Doing vs. Being" that some background on strokes might be useful. Here it is:

Eric Berne used the term stimulus hunger to define the basic need for stimulation that was observed by Spitz in his work in orphanages. Humans are born with a need for stimulation of the sensory organs, primarily for touch. Without touch, babies do not thrive and they ultimately would not survive if let alone long enough.

As children grow, they learn to replace recognition, such as a smile, a nod, or a word of encouragement, for touch itself. Berne used the term recognition hunger to describe the fundamental cravings that humans have for recognition, or a stroke.

	Conditional	Unconditional
Positive	That’s a lovely picture.	I love you.
Negative	That line is crooked.	I hate you.

A stroke, Berne says, is any unit of recognition. Strokes can be positive or negative, conditional or unconditional.

Strokes help satisfy our recognition hunger, and in many aspects (as related to stimulus hunger) keep us “going.” Children learn to seek out positive strokes, especially from their parents. Where there aren’t any or are very few positive strokes to be received, they learn to substitute negative ones for positive ones, because any confirmation of existence is better than none at all.

Positive and negative conditional strokes train children in the world of "doing," and when used in balance and with the child's best interest in mind build competency. Positive unconditional strokes build the child's since of her/his own lovableness and right to take up space in this world and have her/his needs met. There is no place for negative unconditional strokes in parenting. Of course, if that is all one receives, so be it: A life sustained on bread alone is better than no life at all. And that's how "I hate you" becomes "I love you."

Read more!